Friday, September 16, 2011

A year later

I've been home from the major hospital stay for nearly a year.  The follow-up, post hospital, has been a very bumpy ride.  Chase, Chaz, Colin, Charlie, Cissy & Caleb - gone, but not forgotten.  My half sized right breast finally completely healed, after a very painful skin graft & 13 derma grafts.  Of course, the aftermath is a scarred, nasty looking thing - but I'm the only one that has to look at it, so it really doesn't matter. 

The worst part is that the extended change of routine has left me unable & unwilling to get back on the treadmill of life.  I'm still in first gear, with little to no motivation to even attempt second gear.  I'm feeling my age.  I've come face to face with my own mortality.  Things just look different from this new perspective.  And, I'm flatout tired all of the time.  Fewer things carry much importance.  It's a struggle to get going in the morning.  I don't look forward to a heck of a lot.  I've restricted my life even more and prefer to stay home than go anywhere or do anything.  I'm not sad, just tired and not motivated.  Que sera, sera.  I guess Doris Day was right. 

Claudia's hyperthyroidism seems to be under control.  That's good, but she has blood in her urine and antibiotics haven't helped.  Colt has been losing weight, so he went to the vet this week.  He has hyperthyroidism as well, just not as bad as Claudia's was to begin with.  He also has an eosinophilic granuloma on the inside of his upper left lip.  Steroid shot & thyroid medicine for him. 

Oh, and I tore up my dishwasher months ago.  My washer & dryer work when they feel like it & I need 4 new tires for the CRV.  And, it would be a big help if I could just win the lottery.  If anyone reading this is psychic, please send me the winning lottery numbers.  I'm more than willing to share the jackpot with you. 

With any luck, I'll get back on track and work through this living in slow motion condition.  I wonder if this is what PTSD feels like.  After all, for nearly 2 years I've dealt with an unbelievable amount of personal tragedy.  In addition to 2 hospitalizations in a single year, the loss of 8 cats and 1 dog since February, 2010 has been devastating.  The brightest spot in all of this:  Cagney (the Hell on Wheels kitten).  Rarely does a day go by that she doesn't make me smile and/or laugh.  This kitten, who surely would have died had I not managed to get her trapped when I did, has a personality the size of the state of Alaska.  She's fearless, funny, acrobatic and delightful.  Life is new to her and she reminds me that life can be interesting and fun.  For the time being I'll remain an observer, witnessing it through her eyes. 


  1. I can't believe how much you've been through... They say "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" but somehow it seems that it only makes me tired.

    I'm prone to beating myself up when I'm in a place where I just don't wanna ____ (fill in blank with whatever it is that I think I'm supposed to be doing.) CatMan always tells me that if I don't want to do xyz, then I should just not do it. When it gets to the point that not having it done is worse than doing it, I'll find the motivation.

    I dunno... I really can't fathom how I once worked 65 hours a week and spent my "free time" performing and jamming and "going out." At this point I just want to be home. But I'm really OK with that. Somehow I think it's a sign of growth. I mean, I think that on some level I used the craziness as a way to fill up a big hole inside of me. But now I think it's better to be able to just look at it and say... "yup - there's a mighty big hole there."

    And loving creatures who have shorter lives than we do is always such a terrible bargain. They fill our lives with such joy, but it is like losing a child when they go. I was down to one cat a few years back and I seriously thought about not getting any more because I wasn't sure I could handle losing them. Of course the cat fairy took care of that for me and I'm now back up to four. I guess we just have to love them while we can, because that's really all we can do.

    On a more practical note, you might try Craigslist and/or Freecycle for the washer, drier and tires. I've been sort of kicking myself for spending a fortune on a new washer last summer when I've discovered that nearly every day somebody is listing one for free. Many times they're perfectly good machines and it's just that somebody is upgrading to a fancier model. You'd probably have to arrange for delivery, but that's much cheaper than having to buy them new.

    Hang in there... I'm pullin' for you!

  2. Agree, across the board. It's good to know that the cat fairy gets around. I think for a while she was following me around exclusively. Got hit by the dog fairy in succession many years ago, as well. I have a friend that has her own personal dog fairy. All she has to do is open her eyes and "poof" a dog appears that needs her help.

    That same friend recommended Craigslist too. I tried - emailed 2 different people. One email bounced & the other never responded. Truthfully, I'm wary of buying used. When I buy new I often get lemons, so I'm concerned that should I buy used then I'll get the whole darn tree. Inertia seems to be my best option at this point. I just wish I had Jody's resourcefulness & Ms. Fix-It talents.

    Thanks for the moral support. If it's okay with you, I think I'll lay in there instead of hanging, however. Otherwise, I might lose my grip, fall and break something else.