Saturday, April 3, 2010


One final vacation day remaining and there are still EIGHTEEN tasks on my To Do List that I haven’t done. I haven’t even touched those 18. I knew going in that my expectations exceeded my abilities, but I chose to set the bar high in hopes of spurring me into action.

In the past, I would schedule vacation time off and make a list in my head. This time I wrote down what I hoped to accomplish. Even though there is still a mountain of work to do, this time I don’t feel like a failure. Yes, I spent way too much time on the computer and the internet. Several mornings, I just couldn’t get going. But this time it was different because I focused on what I have accomplished. I wrote down what I did daily. Some of it probably didn’t belong on the list, but considering just how much there is to be done I needed the positive reinforcement. I want to stop beating myself up.

My mother has been dead for about 15 years. For whatever reason, she always made me feel as if I was never good enough. No matter what I managed to accomplish, she rarely failed to point out what I didn’t do and/or what I did wrong. Since her death, I have taken on that responsibility for her. I figure it’s time to celebrate what I have managed to do, to cut myself some slack. After all, I am 60 years old, have serious problems with my spine, suffer from diabetes and hypertension, am about 100 pounds overweight and suffer from nearly constant numbness in my fingers. I’ve broken my left ankle twice and my right ankle once, along with having broken my left tibia and have a torn meniscus in my left knee. Pain is pretty much my constant companion. Adding to all of that, I am my sole support and have 30 cats and 3 elderly dogs in my home to care for and clean up after. No kids, no family and no safety net to keep my life on track. Oh, and my house is nearly the same age I am and in need of a lot of work. Not that I’m whining. Compared to so many others, I am truly fortunate.

I’ve been in this house for nearly 30 years. I’m a pack rat. I am not, and do not aspire to be, Martha Stewart. Hell, she has a staff and she only shows “us” what she wants us to see. Everyone has warts, bad days and shortcomings. Life is about acknowledging those, working with or around them and whatever obstacles we either encounter or create and try to do our best. After all this time, I am still a work in progress. I can do better, I can make changes and I can create better habits. But, sometimes, it is okay to just take credit for trying, for small accomplishments and a job well done. My goal is to rid myself of all of the unnecessary stuff, whether it’s tangible, emotional or psychological. So, I think I’m going to add “exorcised some of my demons” to my list of accomplishments during this most recent vacation.

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